12 Years A Blogger

Twelve years ago today I published my first blog post.

I was a totally different person then. Different mindset, different motivations - just different. Even now, especially since my mother died, I feel like I’m in this on again off again negotiation with my self around how much of myself I want to share.

It feels a lot more exahusting to share now - which is so unusual since I had much more going on in my life around the time of her passing. I had a job and a business I was running, and was in the process of starting another when it all happened and now my motivation to “work” outside of work is null.

The reoccurring conversation with my grief therapist had been - Who am I now? It’s like my mom’s death wiped out a part of me. It was a beautiful part, a part I identified with for a long time and now I have a hard time locating that part of myself.

It’s like there’s a part of my brain I can no longer access. A part of my heart even - and it’s scary.

When you’ve had very specific dreams and goals and it all seems futile all at once, it feels like falling out of love with a side of me I once adored. I still love myself, I’m just a bit more to myself and maybe that’s the new love that’s in front of me.

Grief is a nasty b! With the loss of a parent, some of us lose multiple aspects of our identity. I feel like I don’t know who I am at times because parts of me from years ago are so different than I am today.

It has to be for my good - has to. That’s God’s promise. It’s just so odd. It’s like passing someone I once knew well on the street and not recognizing them at all.

It’s not all doom and gloom. There have been some really beautiful things that have come out of this time.

I’m no longer abandoning myself for the sake of others - my trauma therapist is helping me with that. And I’m doing what I want to do not what I think I should want to do.

It’s so weird. But I’m here, figuring it out. One day, one moment at a time.

Happy Blogaversary to me!